My ice cream sandwich is lukewarm,
But my burrito is much too cold.
A school cafeteria is the only place
That sells artificially colored mold.

You know a school cafeteria believes in mass production.
They buy those lousy soy beans by the keg.
I don't like to complain, but in a school cafeteria,
You can get a taco and get Bubonic Plague.

Today in the school cafeteria,
They introduced a brand new malt.
It's called boysenberry dysentery,
Please pass the salt.

The tunafish sandwiches'll make you ill.
The enchiladas are enough to kill.
Before you eat, you'd better make out your will
In the school cafeteria today.

Say, boys and girls, tired of being skinny?
Eat a school lunch today!
All starch and cholesterol.
Absolutely no protein!
Remember: fourteen million teenagers can't be wrong!

Feel your arteries growing hard
As you eat another healthy spoonful of lard.

It's no wonder that the food is so gross,
The health department is afraid to come close.
So everybody better hold your nose
In the school cafeteria today.

So listen very closely, all you girls and guys.
Here's a little message to the wise.
You'd better not try the chili surprise
In the school cafeteria today, oh yeah.
In the school cafeteria today!